How to Rebuild a Marriage After Rehab

With all the changes that come to relationships with sobriety, there can be feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, shame, and more. When asking whether marriage can survive sobriety, the answer can be yes—if a couple takes a healthy approach to managing their problems and discussing their feelings. It will take time to rebuild trust so it’s important to not put pressure on each other and instead take it one day at a time. In some ways, re-establishing a marriage in the wake of addiction is like dating and getting to know someone new, so it can be helpful to connect on specific date nights. It is vital for couples to have outside support during this time. Couples counseling can create a safe space to air out feelings and emotions and set concrete relationship goals to move forward. Each spouse should also be attending 12-step support groups. The clear lines of communication spouses established during those early years of sobriety have borne fruit. When conflict comes up, both partners are able to express themselves clearly and concisely and come to a resolution.

Our staff are highly trained with dual mental health and substance use licensing. Our medical staff includes an ASAM certified addiction psychiatrist & an addiction-trained primary care physician. We cater to midlife in order to focus treatment on the unique needs of an established adult who is struggling with addiction. Speak openly about how addiction hurt you and how you think you both can take action to mend it. Yet, sobriety destabilizes the status quo, and the longer partners are together, the more their patterns become entrenched. After a rough bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression, my addiction took off, and I went from binge-drinking once a month to daily drinking to escape the depression and anxiety. I’d begun moving toward isolation, alienating my friends and family, and my son’s father was the last one to go. When my first child was born in 2007, it took everything I had to not run from caring for him. I am the daughter of one person with alcohol addiction and another with a substance addiction. And, before I got pregnant, I hadn’t been with my son’s father, who is now my husband (we’ll get to that later) long enough to know if I wanted something long-term.

Marriage in recovery: When I mess up now, I try to be kind to myself

In fact it can’t be done without triggering a family war. Addiction is a disease, we have addiction medicine that saves lives. If you want more, grab a subscription for unlimited reads for $48/year. And clearly you appreciate mindfulness with a sense of humor and integrity! Why not join the Elephant community, become an Elephriend.

Your partner may need plenty of time to attend recovery meetings or talk to sponsors or program friends. It’s natural for the non-addicted partner to feel left out or even jealous. Some people may not face frightening situations such as the ones listed above. For them, it may be better to stay in the marriage and try to help a spouse with drug addiction. Knowing when to leave an addicted spouse is always difficult. It’s heart-wrenching to leave behind someone who is sick. Yet in order to maintain your own sanity and to protect those you love, you may need to pack your bags and go. For yet a third group, addiction creeps into the marriage. One partner undergoes surgery and takes necessary prescription painkillers during recovery, only to find they can’t stop taking them.

Addiction Treatment Programs

They have grown together, and together they have grown stronger. The marriage won’t look the same as it used to, back in the days of addiction, but that can be a good thing. You came to a point where you had enough and told your spouse to seek treatment, or else the marriage could not continue. Now, your main worry is how your marriage will survive after treatment.
It may also serve to open the lines of communication damaged by months or years of anger and hurt. Being able to confront the hurt and anger does not mean your marriage is over. In fact, once these issues are addressed and worked through, you may be able to create a new marriage. If you or your spouse are in recovery, you may hope to go back to the way things were before. Unfortunately, addiction is often accompanied by deception, neglect and deep hurt. It’s impossible to forget everything that has happened.

If you were to get back together, for it to work, it would need to come after time and space and spiritual, emotional growth for both of you. I think you know all this; it’s why you wrote to me. The most challenging part here is letting go of what you hoped your relationship would be, rather than facing that it’s time to let go of what once was. You’ve shifted the dynamics, and your new, more lucid behavior doesn’t fit with the old dysfunctional relationship patterns you two had established. I just read one of your stories, and I really need some advice. I’m three years sober, and I am now separated from my husband. It’s been eight months, and we are at the turning point. I learned some great tools I can use when I’m feeling down and I had a great support team here.

This will give you more control over what you say and allow you to plan what you would like to say without feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Motivation and positivity will benefit your marriage as this new and improved positive outlook will also rub off on your partner. Everyone I have ever spoken to about this, at least today, congratulates me on my strength. They congratulate me for “putting up with it,” for putting up with him, but this is not a badge I wear proudly. There is nothing courageous about being abused, being marginalized and minimized, and being too afraid to leave . That is not a life lesson I want to pass along to my daughter.
I was attracted to his sensibilities and the ease with which he could be just as comfortable in his business suit as his biking gear. In early recovery, his affect was very abrupt, and his affection felt stiff. Was a sober Bill, a man with a very different personality? Those questions haunted me for a long time as Bill struggled to reconnect with his emotions. The antidepressant played havoc on his mind and body. He often expressed how he felt foggy and resented how it impacted our physical intimacy. The combination of these effects shattered his self-esteem. For almost a year and a half, we experienced a new kind of rollercoaster until he found the proper medication and acceptance of its place as part of his treatment. Once he felt comfortable again, his smile and warmth returned along with a new playfulness.

We provide alcohol & drug treatment programs in Fresno and surrounding areas. People visit us from various parts of California and all over the country. Both will have to learn how to speak to each other all over again. The over-responsible partner will have to relinquish some of the powers they had acquired during the addiction period. They will also have to encourage their partners to take on the new roles.

Attending support groups like these can help build an understanding of what addiction is and how to deal with an alcoholic or other recovering addict in a healthy and supportive manner. Finding a recovery center that includes family members as part of the plan for recovery is also important. While those struggling with substance abuse are responsible for their own behavior, there can be family dynamics that increase the odds of addiction. Being in recovery together, even if you’re not actively addicted, can help you heal psychological wounds that may be holding you back, too. Some couples know before they say “I do” that a partner has issues with drugs or alcohol.

The important point here is substance abuse by a partner causes damage to the marriage or relationship and these problems need to be treated, too. If the issues in the relationship are not treated, they can set the stage for continued conflict and, in turn, relapse to drinking or drug use. Thus, lasting recovery from substance use depends, in part, on making the relationship better. Eliminating drinking or drug use is only the starting point; once sobriety is attained, a supportive caring relationship can be one of the strongest factors in making that sobriety last.

The single most driving emotion I needed to heal was anger. We had become enmeshed, and I saw this as my fault. The time alone gave me space to do my own soul work and attend to my own life. Chantal Jauvin shares her experience living with a partner who gets sober and what her process entailed. A parallel recovery process is necessary for couples, in which one individual is in recovery and the other is not. Once you have addressed past events to the satisfaction of everyone involved, draw a line under them. You don’t have the power to change anything that has already taken place. You can move forward from this point, though, and make better decisions in your relationships from now on. Getting clean and sober is essential to having a good, honest relationship with children of any age.

• Your spouse will be treated like an individual at 12 Keys.
• My husband and I had to get to know each other all over again.
• That could include individual or couples counseling when necessary for relationship tune-ups, or checking in regularly with their support groups.
• While under the influence or while experiencing cravings, they may say or do things they wouldn’t normally do.

Health problems – Long-term drug and alcohol abuse can cause serious and lasting health problems that continue long after drug rehab is over. Spouses will need to be prepared to deal with these issues and be consistent about going to the doctor and sticking to recommended treatment programs. When one partner is an active addict, a healthy marriage or relationship is virtually impossible. Addiction shatters some of the most important components of a strong marriage, including trust, intimacy, and communication. Living with an alcoholic or drug addict also means the addiction will come first for your spouse, even before the marriage. You’ll work together to create a blueprint for recovery. A blueprint lists the steps your partner needs to take to stay healthy and free from drugs or alcohol. You’ll find ways to support, encourage and help your partner stay clean and sober. Therapy can make a big impact on repairing your marriage after addiction treatment.

They’ll learn strategies for diffusing the situation by changing the subject or temporarily withdrawing from the conversation without allowing it to escalate. Of this number, about 1.9 million people developed an addiction to prescription pain medicines, and 586,000 had an addiction to heroin. Addiction is chronic, so having open communication will enable your partner to understand when you are struggling so they can support you as best as possible. Making promises that will improve your life will help you regain confidence in yourself. Doing this will simultaneously help your partner realize that you are committed to your recovery and marriage. If you say you will attend all of your appointments on time, you should do this.
During therapy, you’ll also have an opportunity to ask questions and receive professional advice about how you should handle situations that arise at home. Relationship issues – Addiction causes a lot of turmoil and trust issues between spouses and a marriage will take time to heal, even after rehab. Many people who complete drug rehab and return home still face challenges as they transition from a life of addiction into a life of recovery and sobriety. The recovering addict must also be patient as his or her spouse works to rebuild trust. Trust is linked with intimacy, so understand that your marriage after sobriety spouse may need time to rebuild the sexual part of your marriage as well. Your spouse will be treated like an individual at 12 Keys. We don’t believe in a cookie-cutter approach to recovery. We know certain things are a “must,” such as complete abstinence from substance abuse, but we offer many therapies to help people chart their own personal course of recovery. Depending on what type of addiction your partner struggles with, they may need to enter a detox program. During detox, people are monitored to make sure their health remains safe while their bodies rid themselves of drugs and alcohol.

We can make verbal communication effective if we never lose sight of the fact that the alcoholic is sick; he has a disease for which it is unfair to blame him or punish him. But he must be told—at the right time and without anger or reproach—what he has done and is doing. Such distorted relationships are often found in alcoholic marriages, and they inevitably lead to the drying up of the communication which is vital to Sober House a good marriage. If a man married a woman because she’s shy, timid and submissive, he unconsciously chose a wife who would satisfy his need to dominate. If she turns out to be an alcoholic, he will have the complete dependent he wants, no matter how desperately he thinks he wants her sober. He, too, will cover up her drinking, protect her from public disgrace, and assume all the responsibilities which should be hers.